That Went Well, Adventures in Caring for My Sister by Terrell Harris Dougan
That Went Well, Adventures in Caring for My Sister by Terrell Harris Dougan is a beautiful and honest book which I couldn’t put down.
I wanted to read That Went Well for one simple reason: it takes place in my hometown and the author is local as well. Within the last month I have read three books that are set in Salt Lake City, this one, The Actor and the Housewife by Shannon Hale, and The Loser’s Guide to Life and Love by A.E. Cannon (both yet to be reviewed) and I have to admit that I think it’s great fun to read books where you know all the landmarks and wonder about the yummy sounding restaurant in the book. So that said, even though this author is a stranger to me, I felt a connection simply because of locality. But the book could have taken place in Timbuktu and I still would have loved it.
That Went Well is Dougan’s memoir and as the title suggests is about the adventures in caring for her little sister Irene, who was born with a brain injury. Irene was born in 1946 which frankly was a period of time that parents of children with mental disabilities and special needs were advised to institutionalize them. Her family didn’t want to send her away.
From a very young age Dougan had to constantly defend her sister from neighborhood kids who made fun of Irene for being so slow and as she grew into adolescence had to explain her sister to the dates at the doorway, especially when Irene would ask them to talk to her dolls. Irene actually served as a gatekeeper and Dougan knew she had found her perfect match when her date and then later husband, didn’t flinch at all when meeting Irene.
Unable to read and write and unwelcome in the public school systems, Irene was cared for at home and her parents realized that there was no support for parents of children with special needs. Instead of complaining, they did something about it and created a day care center. Later, after college and Dougan’s marriage and birth of her children, her parents found it more and more difficult to take care of Irene. Hoping to ease Irene into independent living, they sent her to live in a group home in California. Ultimately, she was unhappy and eventually came back home (but not after a few bruised roommates and aide workers). When Dougan’s parents passed away, she became Irene’s primary caregiver.
That Went Well is a honest and frank exploration of what it’s like to care of a sibling with disabilities. But to say that it’s a dry and boring exploration couldn’t be further from the truth. I was sucked into this story from the very first page. Dougan’s voice is fantastic! She is laugh out loud funny but yet shares such intimate inner and physical struggles that one can’t help but sympathize with her and this family. Dougan must come to terms with how she thinks Irene should live versus how Irene wants to live.
And let’s not forget to talk about Irene! Irene is a riot! From taking her dolls with her everywhere, to independently riding the city bus, inviting the firemen over for barbecues and to the magnet on her fridge that says, “Normal People Worry Me” she was simply fantastic. Temper tantrums and all. I loved her and it’s obvious that her sister loves her too.
Watch this beautiful show of these two sisters. I was pleased to see so many shots taken at The Kings English Bookshop, my local independent bookshop. I wish I had known about this book earlier in the year when she did her signing. (It was a bit wonky to get this video to embed, so the slider is not showing up. Click in black box to start, click again to pause. Original video source.)
A beautiful, honest, funny, and thoughtful journey of these two sisters, I highly recommend That Went Well. Dougan opens her heart and one can’t help but take a look inside. It was a pure joy to read this memoir.
Links of interest: Terrell Harris Dougan website.
Genre: Memoir
Published by Hyperion. January 6, 2009.
Hardcover, 224 pages. ISBN: 1401323294
That Went Well, Adventures in Caring for My Sister available from your local independent bookstore, Powell’s, and Amazon.
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Category: Book Reviews, Memoir/Biography, Nonfiction
Tags: A-D Author, published 2009, Q-T Title, review copy, videos
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I love reading memoirs. The video and your review have interested me enough to read this book.
on June 23rd, 2009 at 8:14 amI passed on this because, unlike Shona, I don’t usually like nonfiction in general. (Then I look at my bookshelf and realize that the books I loved most this past year were all memoirs…which according to me, I don’t read because I don’t like them..I need to re-examine my deeply held ideas…..)
Great review, wish I hadn’t passed on it after all!
on June 23rd, 2009 at 10:43 amI loved this book, too. I have friends who struggle with caring for a special needs adult child and I know it’s not easy. Thanks for sharing the video – it made me cry.
on June 23rd, 2009 at 11:52 amI like books where I know all the landmarks and things, too. Not as many books published about my neck of the woods, though, as Salt Lake City!
on June 23rd, 2009 at 12:02 pmI enjoy reading local authors as well and had just finished a book by one of ours. It is always fun to be able to really picture the area they are speaking of and like you said, the landmarks.
I may need to add this book to my list of the ones to be on the look out for. Thanks for the review.
on June 23rd, 2009 at 3:10 pmFor the anti-thesis of this book, you should read Annie’s Ghost by Steve Luxenberg, if you haven’t already done so. It definitely shows a different side of taking care of someone with special needs in the 1940s, 50s and 60s.
on June 23rd, 2009 at 4:27 pmThis is one of the books I have on my review to do list. Thank you for sharing the video. I hadn’t seen it before.
I’m reading Annie’s Ghosts now and it’s got a different tone to it. It’s interesting and good!
on June 23rd, 2009 at 5:38 pmIt’s been awhile since I’ve read a memoir, but I usually find myself enjoying them. This one looks like a touching read.
on June 23rd, 2009 at 5:56 pmThis book sounds amazing. I remember talking to my mil about her sister and what it was like growing up with a sister who is mentally disabled. It’s an interesting and touching story.
on June 23rd, 2009 at 6:13 pmSounds fantastic! I’ll have to add it to my TBR list!
on June 23rd, 2009 at 7:50 pmThis is going on my must read list (which is getting longer and longer!). Thanks for the review.
I was just thinking yesterday about how many of the books I read were written by American or English authors and are set in cities that I have never been to. I’m going to make a special effort to read more Aussie writers. Maybe I will review some and introduce some Australian locales to the book blog reading public!
on June 23rd, 2009 at 8:02 pmI’ve seen this one around but wasn’t sure if I wanted to read it. I definitely want to now. I didn’t realized that it was a local author. I like reading books that are set in a location I’m familiar with too.
on June 23rd, 2009 at 9:38 pmThis has been on my to-read list ever since I read BermudaOnions’ review. Thanks for your wonderful review and for including the video.
on June 26th, 2009 at 9:19 amI’m glad to hear that you enjoyed this book so much. I’ve read it myself but haven’t had a chance to review it. It wasn’t my favorite memoir but I did enjoy the Irene stories
on June 28th, 2009 at 2:22 pmAn interesting counterpart to this book would be Annie’s Ghosts by Steve Luxenborg. Unlike Irene, Annie was hidden away in the notorious Eloise Asylum in Michigan for over 30 years, while her only sister never revealed her existence to her family, even when Annie died. Steve Luxenborg spent several years investigating his family in an attempt to discover the reason for his mother’s silence about her sister.
on June 28th, 2009 at 2:52 pmI relate to this book both professionally and personally. Professionally, in my work as a counselor, I work with families at times who have a special needs child. Divorce rates are higher for parents of children with physical or cognitive disabilities, often due to the constant stress and differences regarding what is “best” or “appropriate” for the child. Also, siblings of these children can often feel pushed aside, burdened by expectations to help with caretaking even when young, or simply as though there just wasn’t enough time or energy to go around. They may have mixed feelings about this, even if they know rationally why it is and even when their parents really do try and give them a “normal” childhood.
On a personal level, I can relate to this as a child who had “special needs.” I applaud this family for not automatically following accepted wisdom at the time. If I’d been born in the 40’s, institutionalization would very likely have been what was suggested for me, as well, at least for my education. I was a premature baby, and up until the 1940’s, most very premature babies simply didn’t survive. Beginning around that time, medical advances began allowing the survival of many preterm infants who would have died previously. One of the consequences of this was that many of these babies survived, but were blind. This is now called retinopathy of prematurity.
Back then, figuring out what to do with these children when they reached school age was a problem and state institutions for the blind began to become a more and more common option. Usually, these blind children would be sent to live at schools specially able to address their unique learning needs. As was mentioned in this review, there were not laws about the rights of families with kids with special education needs until much later (70’s, I believe). That’s when I was born.
Fortunately for me, by the time I was scheduled to begin kindergarten, mainstreaming was more common. I went to public schools and lived with my family. This is not the best choice for every family, and schools for the blind still have their place, but I’m glad to have had a mainstream experience. This meant that Mom had to go to bat for me, my rights, and making sure I received appropriate services on various occasions. There were issues with a few teachers and some social difficulties, as well. I also know having me for an older sister meant that my younger sister had to probably deal with some awkwardness, like questions from her friends or the stares I would get in public. We have a solid relationship based on love and respect, though. Us being this close probably wouldn’t have happened if I’d been sent to a residential school and only been home for visits.
I appreciate books like this that share the honest perspectives of siblings of special needs children. I hope such books lead to greater sensitivity to these important issues and allow for a greater understanding of the experiences of these “nondisabled” siblings. There’s a lot we can learn from their experiences.
Carmella Broome, Licensed Professional Counselor
on August 22nd, 2009 at 9:03 amAuthor of Carmella’s Quest: Taking On College Sight Unseen (Red Letter Press 2009)
Columbia, SC